A Creating Life

The Hunt

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“You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.”

Jack London

I love this quote. Having committed myself to a schedule, my writing life is on a deadline. So, every day I am on the hunt for my elusive prey – inspiration. Some days, some weeks even, she is everywhere. At other times, she is scarce. She remains unseen in the brush and shadows of a busy life.

So, as you can guess, there are times I am facing hunger. The stores are gone and she is nowhere to be found. I sit at my keyboard and stare at a blank page with little but jumbled thoughts and emotions. What then? What do I do? The answer is simple.

I take a deep breath. I grab my club, and I go hunting.

Just show up

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I’m tired. It’s been a long, taxing week and I’ve been wracking my brain all day for words to share. The well is empty.

But I’m here.

Why?

Because sometimes you just have to show up. You don’t feel like it. You don’t know what you’ll be able to do. You know it’s not going to be your best. But you do it anyway.

I’m here as much for me as I am for those who join me here, and I’ve learned that the discipline of showing up preserves and protects me. It keeps me on the right road. It maintains my flow. And sometimes it surprises me. Even when it doesn’t, I still feel better. I feel accomplished. I feel like I’m still on the path, and that feels good.

So I’m here.

And as I close this post, I know there is more waiting out there for next time. So I’ll rest. I’ll rejuvenate. I’ll let the well fill again so that when the next time comes I’m ready. And even if I’m not.

I’ll show up.

Dying to Make it Interesting

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“The future is in this kind of death because options leave you forever hovering and lingering and its only in death to all the other options that anything interesting actually happens.”

-Rob Bell

I heard this quote while listening to an interview. Rob Bell’s epiphany followed an article by Gordon Gano, the lead singer of the Violent Femmes. I managed to track down a blog with the reprinted text of that article if you’d like to check it out. In it, he referred to a desire not to “limit availability”. In other words, we want to keep our options open.

I’ve spent many years keeping my options open. I surfed the channels of possibility while running on a treadmill, changing channels every time I got bored or uncomfortable but never going anywhere. Between fear of missing out and grass is greener syndrome, I spent many years cycling through opportunities without every settling in. To use Rob Bell’s words, I was “forever hovering and lingering”. When you’re on a treadmill the scenery never changes.

Now, I refuse to say it has been without value. I’m deeply thankful for the vast and varied experiences life has given me. At the same time, I’ve achieved a moniker I never aspired to – jack of all trades, master of none. That lifestyle has its benefits, but like every coin it has another side. While the ride’s been fun, I’ve failed to achieve my most closely held dreams and goals.

So here I am.

Awakening.

More aware.

I see my enemy, and he is me. He’s the reason I am here, committing myself to a single goal despite the temptation to jump ship. I write to step off the treadmill and onto a path because its “only in death to all other options that anything interesting actually happens.”

And I’d like things to get interesting.

 

 

The Other Side

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Time away from the local church and its meetings and ministries opens a door. For some it reads ‘Exit’. For others it is more like a backstage pass, an invitation to go deeper. As I mentioned in my last post, for me it was the latter.

As I’ve written, rewritten and changed this post time and again I’ve began to wonder why it was an invitation for me and not an ending.

Ultimately, I believe it is a result of the grace of God. I remember a specific moment in my past filled with doubt when I realized I don’t have a say in the matter. I knew that, even if I didn’t want to be a Christian, I was. I am His. Period.

When I take that into consideration, all the other things fall into place. He’s doing the work of sanctification. Making me more like Him. And He’s opening up the door for me to enter in and dine with Him, talk with Him, know Him. It reminds me of the only definition of eternal life I’ve seen thus far in scripture.

“And this is eternal life, that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent.”   – John 17:3

But knowing Him is not the same as knowing about Him. These past few years have been the testing ground of my knowledge about Him, and the deepening of that knowledge into understanding Him better. More often that not it is a relationship forged in the furnace.

It’s been a while since I’ve considered the trials of my furnace. Loneliness, definitely. Frustration also. Fear. Doubt. I’ve continuously struggled with who I am. Recently, in reading someone else’s struggles I think I gained a little more insight into why. She explained how she never felt accepted for who she was as a child. I feel like my story is a lot like hers. No matter what I did, it was never good enough. I’m not sure where this idea came from. I’m not sure who I was looking to for approval. All I know is that I decided that strength was being good at everything. I had to be Superman to be accepted. I would make everyone look up to me. Looking back, this wrecked me. It’s only been in recent years that I’ve found more freedom to be myself, weaknesses and all. It’s also only recently that I’ve allowed myself to admit that I desperately need other people, and not just admit it, but really know that it’s okay to need others.

It helps me to see another truth. As God exposes me, He is healing me. I feel like someone waking up. He’s freed me to dream again in places I hadn’t realized I’d given up. In so doing, He’s also helped me to know Him more. I have never been more aware of His love, His pride and His belief in me and who He made me to be. He’s cultivating me still to be an image bearer and a beacon of His glory to the world. Where I think it’s too late. He reminds me that it is never too late.

Never too late to create.

Never too late to have a family.

Never too late to see the world.

The adventure is just beginning!

 

 

 

 

To Chronicle the Journey

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Four years ago I left my last words on this blog. So much has happened I don’t remember what prompted me to stop. Only that I did. But the path as it is so often want to do has led me back to one of my great loves – the written word.

So here I am. Fingers to keyboard and eyes fixed on the barren expanse of an open page.

I write.

One word follows another in what is at one moment a trickle and at another a cascade. These words mark my journey. They speak of who and where I am. They speak of where I have been and where I am going. They mark the meter of my passing. They share my sorrows. They share my joys. They tell of battles won and lost. They reveal my goals and aspirations. They speak of dreams. They are the persistent and deliberate beating of my heart.

For in these words…

in all I share…

in these stories is the fullness of all that I have been, all that I am and all that I hope to become.

And so I write.

I write to remember. My words bear the lessons of my years, and maybe there is a wisdom to be found in mucking about in old memories.

And I write to share. It is at times a selfish need for attention and validation. But most often, it is a gift. A gift I share with you. The honest ramblings of a soul stumbling after God in the darkness of a broken world. I can only pray that in them, you also find the shadow of His glorious light.

So welcome and well met. You too give me a gift in return. You encourage me. You inspire me. You make me better. You give me a reason to continue. After all, walking alongside others is always better than walking alone.